12/27/2012

Dear folks back home,

        (Before I begin my holiday shoutout, I want to address some of your
comments regarding the last email- for those of you who responded,
thank you for doing so-  I apologize for not having enough time to
reply to each of you individually because you've all expressed ideas
that merit a personalized response, and I wish I had time to sit down
with a good cup of coffee and hash it out with each of you. Obviously
I can't do that though...soon! (perhaps?)
        For those of you who were concerned, I will just say- - yes, the head
and the heart can become very heavy in this place, and there are many
hard questions to ponder and difficult days to endure; however, the
relief is in the good days, and those good days give so much levity to
the weight of this life that it is, without a doubt, worth enduring.
I could not imagine anywhere in the world I'd rather be right now, nor
anything that I'd rather be doing.  At times it is a challenge to
accurately convey to you the story of my life here, and it is
challenging on your part to be able to relate to it.  I will continue
to do my best to paint a realistic picture, which includes both the
dark and the light- the good and the bad- and I hope you stick in
there and try your best to see it. This email, however, will be an
easy and upbeat one, pinky promise :) Here we go....)

Happy Holidays, everyone!

        This Christmas I have decided to spend “estilo americano” after
having a wonderful panamanian experience with my training family in
2011.  As you may remember, my community does not celebrate Christmas
and so, in search of the holiday cheer I am migrating north to the
mountain town of Santa Fe to spend a few days with other homesick
volunteers, peppermint schnaps’s with hot chocolate, and a climate
that does not induce quite as much sweating.  :)

        Afterwards, it's back to the village for a traditional new years.
“The boys” are coming home for a few days, and I'm excited to see
them-  “the boys” are Darinel, Yovani, and Hevi.  They are some of my
closest peers in the community, though all of them moved away shortly
after I moved in.  They work as migrant laborers on the other side of
the country now, visiting home for just days at a time every few
months.  I miss them terribly and know that my chances of seeing them
again before I leave are slim, so I've promised to put together a
straw man for us.  The straw man represents the old year, and we light
them on fire on New Year's Eve to signify the passing of the old year
and birth of the new one.  Then we eat delicious food at midnight and
drink (clarifico- the men drink, and Alison drinks only if “the boys”
sneak her something when the women aren't looking) and be merry.

        I look back on this year and am astounded by the variety of
experiences I've had, by the growth I've made, the relationships I've
built.  It's hard, nearly impossible, to fathom how one year seems
like a thousand years and yet feels like a blink of the eye.  I guess
a typical holiday letter would elaborate here about the highlights,
but I figure you can gather all of that from my previous emails, and
besides, the list is just too long.  So let's talk about 2013....

        I have 6 months of service remaining!!  How I will ever accomplish
everything I aspire to accomplish is a mystery, though not as great of
a mystery as that nagging question at the back of my head...  “What's
next???”  It's hard to plan for tomorrow, let alone a new chapter in
my life that may or may not  involve something as adult as a real job
(ideas anyone?), or paying off student debt (dios mio!), or maybe I
take advantage of my freedom from owning and obligation by boarding a
plane and exploring this world until I'm too broke to continue (this
sounds more enticing) or maybe I will stay here as a third year
extension, working on gender and development issues, or gardening and
nutrition.  So many possibilities.....I'm letting the universe decide
at this point, submitting resumes and making tentative travel plans
all at the same time, not looking to find anything in particular but
looking to be found by something wonderful.  At this point, Solo Dios
Sabe.

        No matter what path I end up on, however, I have a feeling that I'm
on the brink of great life changes, a sort of re-birthing.  I have
absolutely no idea what that new me will be like but I'm super excited
to meet her- I hear she's a pretty awesome cook nowadays and lives
with electricity and isn't riddled with skin infections.   As for the
first half of 2013, however, I'm still the same old me- eating oatmeal
for breakfast every day, keeping my kitchen well-stocked with cans of
tuna, lentils, and powdered milk, and more than willing to eat a black
carrot that's been sitting on my counter for a week (you just peel
that layer off and it's still delicious on the inside.  well,
nutritious at least.  Maybe delicious is an overstatement).  Complete
with skin infections, bug bites, a thin layer of dirt and soot coating
my skin.  Trust me- all of this is actually very easy to overlook,
especially now that the end is nearing.  Why?  Because I've got my
amazing gente, a sense of purpose, a lot of work ahead of me, and a
second wind that is refreshing and entirely necessary.

        This second wind means finishing our stoves project (we'll be
building 11 fuel-efficient wood burning stoves before january is
over), taking some of the star students on a long-awaited field trip
(thanks to a small grant we were awarded last month- yessss!) with my
best boy Elys, conducting a domestic violence and communication for
conflict management seminar at my school (this has a fascinating back
story that I intend to share in a later email), improving my girls'
leadership and nature program,  finishing the series of nutrition and
cooking classes I've been doing with the garden group, and of course,
following up with everything that has to do with gardens (including
eating the kale, broccoli, amaranth, chard and arrugula that is so
growing so beautifully at my house- that's right-this year i've gone
experimental with my garden.  The panamanians of course continue to
plant their veggies of choice in their gardens, which is how it ought
to be, seeing that a) they have no interest in eating these strange
leafy things, and b) those seeds aren't available anywhere in Panama
except at the “cricket's” house- aka MY house).  As for the bread
shop, I can happily say that I'm starting to work myself out of job,
which is great!  We had a very successful and unique training the
other week in which my friend Emily visited with 3 women from her
community's bread shop, and Emily and I observed while the women
exchanged knowledge and skills, giggled and made new friends.  That's
decidedly the best training session I've ever given- and all I had to
do was make rice!!   So you see, things are winding up to wind down,
and I feel great about it.  In my extra time, I'd like to continue
supporting the HIV/AIDS prevention education and life skills seminars
that we've been doing all around the country, reach out to other
volunteers looking to promote gardening and nutrition, and most
importantly, cherish every moment of my time in the campo (ex. sit
around in hammocks, entertain the children at my rancho with books and
coloring activities, go swimming in the river, be a good neighbor,
live the dream, etc.) Whew...this second wind better be a good
one...sounds like I'm going to need it!

        Lastly, before I let you all go on with your festivities, I just want
to add one more little thing (you already knew I wasn't going to be
able to write a whole email without at least something of
philosophical rambling, so just buckle up and hang on- it's a good
one).  It is this:  After having a fantastic conversation with a very
dear friend of mine (you know who you are), I realized that there was
an important paragraph missing from my last email. It was the
paragraph about- what should we do about the inevitability of the
changes that development will bring?  Should we, accepting our
smallness in the grand scheme of things and be content to stand idly
by, recognizing that negative changes will be a part of a country's
progression just as much as positive ones will?  Or should we, as the
Peace Corps and other development entities and “progressive”
individuals do, try to be a part of these changes, knowing full well
that by being a part of the development process we risk being (or at
least feeling) partially responsible for unintended consequences, such
as cultural costs?  I don't want to tell you where to stand on this
issue, but as for me, I have decided to accept the two-faced nature of
development. I think that most things in life (like development, or
capitalism, or my daily oatmeal) cannot be categorized as exclusively
positive or negative.  While opposites exist- good and bad, sadness
and joy, birth and death-- most things fall somewhere along the
spectrum.  If it weren't a spectrum, if life was just joyous, for
example, then joy would mean nothing.  It is the sadness that gives
joy it's value, the inevitability of death that makes birth so
special, it's the existence of poverty that makes wealth so desirable.
 No, I don't think we can ever “fix” this world; I don't think we can
ever hope for a day when there is no poverty, no sadness, no death, no
despair, no gluttony.  To eliminate one end of the spectrum would be
to eliminate the value of everything which falls on the other half of
it, and from a practical standpoint it would be entirely impossible
because this dichotomy is innate.
        That being said, it seems to me that I have a few choices: I can sit
back and watch the world unfold as it will, for better and for worse,
and attempt to remain unemotionally involved with the process of
development; I can become disheartened and sulk as I focus on what I
cannot change; or I can choose to be a part of this process, focusing
my energies on the helping myself and others actively participate in
desirable changes and trying to ease the turbulent transitions that
will present themselves as negative changes take place.  So as I said
in my last email, “there's no saving the world going on here or
anywhere else- just a lot of interference,” but interference is not
entirely bad nor entirely good, and personally I would rather accept
my place in this interference by directing my actions towards
everything which falls on the positive side of life's many spectrums
than by sitting idly or by succumbing to a sense of futility.  I may
small, but while I'm here occupying space and time in this world, I
choose to take a part in it.
        You don't have to agree with me on any of this, but I do want you to
know that I believe your work on this earth is equally as important as
mine or anyone elses' (and I don't just mean your job, I mean your
daily actions).  I believe that you, Luis, and I- we are all capable
of taking the reigns of our lifeboats, small as they might be, and
directing ourselves towards a better future through our daily actions
and encounters with one another. We might not be able to change the
world, but do change each others lives as we mutually navigate it.
And the more of us who choose to actively participate in the changing
world, the more readily we will see and feel those positives changes.
As for the negative ones, they'll appear, too, but each of us will be
better equipped to stay afloat through the turbulent patches because
we'll have the experiences, knowledge, and perspectives of fellow
riders to hang onto for support and guidance.
        So as this year (and email) closes, I leave you with a little more to
chew on (you know, after the christmas treats run out)....but then
again if you take nothing else from this "snack for thought," just
know that regardless of whether or not you intended to do so, you have
each helped to keep me afloat and on-course at various points during
my time down here.  So thank you.

 I appreciate you and love you all so much, and I wish you a great
2013.  Have a happy and healthy holiday season, and think of me each
time you inhale that frosty air- it's hot down here!  (send me some
snow!)

Big hugs,

This is not a story about Luis

When a stone falls into a pond it creates a series of ripples that propagate through the surface of the water, displacing and carrying floating leaves, sticks, and other small particles. When two stones fall, however, the ripples from one pulse collide with the ripples of another, and energy is redistributed as either constructive or destructive interference. Constructive interference is a type of interference that occurs where two interfering waves produce a displacement in the same direction, whereas destructive interference occurs where two interfering waves produce a displacement in the opposite direction. In the latter case, the effect of one pulse on any given particle is destroyed, or canceled out, by the effect of the other pulse- but the interference is only temporarily. That is to say that two waves will collide, produce a new ripple resulting from their net effect, but eventually each will continue on propagating as it was before the point of interference.*

One stone to represent the developing world. Another stone for that the so-called developed one. Me, a particle, riding out the interference between the two of them. To promote development, to foster progress- this was my noble mission, but these waves are big, and I'm far under-qualified to navigate such a monumental collision. I want to be clear- as a Peace Corps Volunteer I help my community to address its needs, absolutely I do- but I am not capable of fostering progress in the developing world, let alone defining it. 

 

Progress for you or me might running water, a new bridge, or a lower infant-mortality rate, while for Luis it might mean getting a season job as a migrant laborer that earns him more money than he's ever earned- a whopping $14 a day. And with that $14 he can buy a few cement blocks each week to upgrade his family's mud hut, some milk for the kids, a bus ticket home every weekend, and a handle of moonshine to accompany him as he catches up with friends and family. I'm walking with him the other day when he looks at me and says, “you know, with all the projects and government programs that come through here, there's still no progress. There's still no one getting any richer.” Progress, Luis implies, means money. How can I argue with that definition, knowing full well that I, too, would prefer a comfortable life with such conveniences as clean water, health care, accessible education for my children, and some clean clothes to wear when I go to town. I would be a hypocrite to judge Luis, the subsistence farmer, for wanting to send away his daughter to a middle school that she doesn’t have to hike 3 hours to get to. After all, wouldn't I want for my own mother, who has sewn and hammered her flip flops back together multiple times, to be able to afford a new pair? Wouldn't I like to eat until I'm full? Yes, of course I would; and you all would, too. So no, I can't disagree with Luis' definition of progress, but I don't entirely agree with it, either. 

 

I do see that progress, by another definition, has come as a result of projects and programs in my community. I see that our water supply is clean and easily available, I see that the cooperative is handling a hefty UNDP grant to jumpstart a kidney bean business. I see that people in the younger generation are almost always literate, and that families have food to eat (although it may be less than enough or less than nutritional). But the lenses through which I interpret this situation are tinted. Luis sees it differently, and there's probably a whole lot of other people in other developing countries around the world who agree with him. 

 

Then what's my role in the developing world as a Peace Corps volunteer? If I'm supposed to be promoting progress, whose definition of progress should I promote? Should I be helping Luis to get what he most wants- money- by infusing him with skills and knowledge that will enable him to acquire a paying job? By doing so, I will also be encouraging him to leave behind his bamboo house, his dogs and pigs, and his crops, so that he can move to the city. There, he and his family will rent a small room in a shared complex with other migrant laborers, they'll have electricity, the school will be on the same block, and once all the food is purchased, there might even be a few bucks left for those new flip-flops- you know, the nice $4.00 ones. Never mind that he'll lose a perfectly fertile, valuable tract of land that will probably be abused by someone else who will leave it fallowed within 10 years; that he'll throw out his favorite sombrero pintado to rock a Playboy baseball cap; that he'll forget about that good ol' campo courtesy that I find so endearing and beautiful; that instead of pasearing his children will binge on tele-novelas and in doing so become obese and disconnected from their neighborhood peers; that his 6-year-old daughter, Gissell, might infer from mass media that her body is neither the right size nor color; that his son, Ariel, will be more likely to get involved in drugs as an adolescent; that the stories his grandmother spun late at night by the glow of the guarricha will be replaced by enthralling Disney plots- no, never mind any of that. What's important is that their lives will be more convenient, right? Another day, another dime towards a pair of Nike's, and Nike's mean you're not poor. Nike's mean progress. 

 

It's hard for me to feel good about advocating that kind of development. Capitalism has a shiny side that's all too easy to become fixated on when you're looking at it from the underneath, like Luis. But you and I and most everyone we know, we're looking at it from a privileged place, and from here it starts to look a little like a beast. I've seen the adverse consequences it's had on the richness of culture and natural resources- neighbors whose names we do not know but whose cars we recognize from a distance, black Fridays, oil spills and oil wars, for example. In the developed world, we work to buy, buy to live, then live beyond our means. There are men and women who've become slaves to credit-card debt, others who are so gluttonous and indulgent that it's repulsive. Everything, even progress itself, has a price, and at such a steep cost, I'm not willing to front the bill.

Acknowledging this reality, I accept that my job as a development worker is neither righteous nor prestigious. Please don't get me wrong- I am certainly not suggesting that the “capacity-building” part of being a PCV is immoral; most of what I do is beneficial and all of it is well-intended. What I am suggesting, however, is that while I may be a helping hand in Luis' pursuit of a better life, I am certainly his friend. 

 

This means that the stress, and the sacrifices, and the lofty expectations that accompany my culturally-embedded obsession with efficiency and results- they're not necessary. I can let go of my frustration with meetings that start late, or never at all, with failed projects and dwindling community interest. I can indulge in good foods, get plenty of exercise, take mid-day hammock-naps, and attend volunteer gatherings. I can tend to myself before tending to my work, and I can do so without suffering the guilt that so many volunteers force themselves to endure. Because to me, the product of my work is not nearly as important as my presence in the lives of Luis and others, and my ability to be present is directly related to my own well-being. When I'm healthy and happy, my front door, like my heart, stays open.

Two stones fall in a pond. I did not throw them, and I do not know which is more righteous, but my life here revolves around their overlapping waves. Maybe there's no saving the world happening here; maybe it's just a lot of interference, and whether it should be considered constructive or destructive, I don't know. What I do know is that the natural pattern of development, like ripples from a stone, will eventually continue in the same direction no matter what actions I take. After all, I am just another particle suspended in this turbulent place- but I am not alone. For just this one brief moment in time, I am here alongside Luis, and that's what matters most.

*http://www.physicsclassroom.com/class/waves/u10l3c.cfm